The Desire

She did not love him nor did she want him to be hers

She was not floored by his looks nor was she in awe of how talented he was introduced to her as.

Every alternate Thursday , her eyes waited to meet with his ,the courteous smiles they exchanged and then the hurried see off to attend office. In an hour they were again in touch in the virtual world on the chat messenger. Discussion about the meetings that went by and the ones planned , food , books,places , events , relationships and all unspoken questions and awaited answers.

There were no obligations however. She treated him as one of the them , one of the many friends she had.

The virtual world meetings transited into real world encounters of the same magnitude. There were talks, there were fights ending up with loads of laughter and discussions.

Things build up in such a way that they were brought closer each time. When they traveled together , he held her hand to guard her from the crowd , he opened the door for her ,he walked on the side of the road shielding her ,scolded her when she did not eat properly and in no time became that one person with whom she shared her desires with , discussed her dreams with and visualized times ahead with.

The affection and being accustomed for each other had started developing strong but distance introduced itself as an unwelcoming factor. What seemed to be like a interlude in the relationship was in fact a catalyst. The bond built stronger and distance indeed made the heart grew fonder.

Surprising him on his birthday or the urge for an embrace , she traveled the distance making excuses and finding reasons.

The distance grew further , spanning continents and time zones .The only thing which remained constant was the immense fondness and love for each other.

They counseled each other on the perspective choice of life partners they made not realizing that what they wanted was with them already.

The proximity and the pressure of commitment led to unforeseen consequences. Something they never thought of happened , something they never imagined had happened. They were broken. The selfless love , the intense longing , the perpetual interaction and the blind trust seemed shattered.

Life was never the same. It was insipid and colorless .

If history was any evidence , the tryst had to grow stronger after the adversity. A couple of meetings , few tears, an impeccable hug and few talks and they were back again loving ,talking, fighting and being together.

It all came back where it started .The universe had it plans and they were again in the same city , in the same place . This time with all the love , all the affection and all the energy saved for a future ahead.

She does not expects anything but love. Does not desire anything but his presence in her life.Does not long for anything but his glimpse to begin and end her day with.

She wants to travel together , cook together, tread the same path , learn a new language , travel a new country every year, tap to a new dance form , invest into a venture , build up new horizons , reach out to people , keep ameliorating , discovering herself and him , try a new sport and be together with him for a lifetime and beyond.

She loves him and wants him to be hers today , tomorrow , the day after and forever........

The Cocoon - Season 2 Episode 1

The appraisal and promotion season was over. The unsettling whiff of office politics ,competition, dissatisfaction and introspection finally gave way to gentle breeze of silence and calmness.

With minimum work load and a good hike in the backdrop , most of my time was spent with the newly discovered love of my life : Online shopping. Amazon and Jabong dethroned watsapp as I was addicted to my new hobby , online window shopping.

It was time for the monthly team meeting .I sat on the last row and was busy clicking on “Add to cart” to avail Jabong's 3 hr sale.

I heard a few introductions of new joiners , some announcements and applause in the background.

Our team was certainly doing good.

The meeting was over and it was time to grab the bag and leave office. Engrossed in my phone , as I reached the door , I saw Vijay surrounded by some people. I went nearer and heard garbled “congratulations “ and “Thank you “ being exchanged.

I stared at Vijay from a distance. He came closer and said “ Grab your bag we are going clubbing tonight”.

We were surrounded by a couple of other people so I didn't question him.

“meet me in the parking in 10”.

I saw at “my cart” pressed the exit button and packed my bag to leave.

I reached Vijay's car to find three other friends of ours.

I got in and Vijay drove us to the “Tryst”.

Tryst welcomed us with high octane music , minimum light , dance floor , food and drinks. Any combination of a pair of these factors was enough but all these factors combined made it all the more implausible for me to talk to Vijay.

I thought of living in the moment and danced away to glory and drank and ate to my heart's content.

It was 2 am and time to leave. We got with over-convivial hugs and byes. People certainly appear closer and friendlier when you are drunk.

Considering the order in which Vijay was to drop us , I was the second last person in the group which meant I would not get some “alone time “ to inquire Vijay about the “congratulations” and “thank yous” The rest of the gang was drunk ,sleepy and tired for me to strike a conversation as to why we were partying in the first place.

It was my time to go home. I stepped out.

“Bye Rohit.............Bye Vijay” I had so many questions wrapped up in that bye. Only if Vijay could decipher.

I came to my room , changed into my Pjs and crashed.

My phone beeped. It was Vijay. He asked me to come down.

I went down and stood before him.

“ I dropped Rohit and thought of catching up with you “

“What was the party for and why were people congratulating you?” I said abruptly.

“Seriously???????? “ Vijay exclaimed as if I had asked him who was Sita after he had narrated me the whole Ramayana.

“hmmmm...so.....”

“I don't believe this.....What were you doing in the meeting today?”

“I was sitting on the last seat so I wasn't able to hear everything” I camouflaged a sincere and genuine expression to avoid any further disappointment I had caused Vijay then.

“well if you dont know the reason then why did you come out for the party”

<because we always party and you have a car in which you can drop me home ( I wanted to say)>

“Because you asked me to “ (I said ) with a meek expression to come across as innocent and victim of events and circumstances. (yes girls are dramatic at times)

“Good night” he said controlling all his anger I assumed and hugged me lightly.

I came back and dozed off in no time.

It was Saturday morning so I could take the liberty of sleeping till late hours.

I woke up at 12 and checked my phone still warming up in bed.

I was member of yet another group on watsapp.

“Not one more group please” I mumbled and clicked on the group.

It was named “ Vijay's farewell”.

What I experienced in the next 10 minutes which followed was a mix of guilt , sorrow confusion and anger.

Guilt of not paying attention to the announcement about Vijay which probably took place in the team meeting.

Sorrow of Vijay's departure.

Confusion regarding where and when was he going.

And Anger on Jabong for the 3 hr sale at the wrong time of the day.

I was too embarrassed to call Vijay. I called up Rohit and took the details.

I clicked on Vijay's chat window on watsapp to talk to him and congratulate him.

There were some unread messages.

[03/04/2012 15:32] Vijay : So my manager asked to me replace Joy at onsite.What do u think I shud say?

[03/04/2012 16:12] Vijay : Where are you ? Im in a meeting cant call to talk reply here.

[03/04/2012 16:52] Vijay : I said yes............US of A it is baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how did I miss all this? I ofcourse knew the answer to this.

I called up Vijay.

“ So............when do you leave?”

“Oh ….there is time it'll be somewhere in April ”

“Great” I said trying to sound happy but it was killing me.

There was barely a month left.

The Cocoon Season 1 Episode 5 (Finale)

As I approached closer to him, I saw him looking intensely at me. He looked tired.

“Didn’t sleep?” I broke the silence with my pretentious ‘I am unaffected and cool ‘ tone.

He kept looking at me.

“So, what brought you here? “ I asked a question I very well knew the answer of.

He came closer to me. “I love you “he said.

There were the words right in front of me .

Words which I had heard a thousand times in movies.

Words which I had rehearsed to utter to my love one day.

Words which would give a new meaning to my life now.

I had thought over it. I might want to be with him but he doesn’t know whom he wants.

“What?” I said and laughed.

“I need you.” He said

There was an awkward silence. I avoided looking into his eyes and kept looking at the watch and unnecessarily playing with my hair.

“Go Vijay “ I repeated.

He didn’t say a word and drove away.

I stood still. It seemed like those Bollywood songs where the protagonist gets highlighted in Eastman color and people are moving around in black and white backdrops. I couldn’t hear any sound or see any people around. I felt numb. Tear rolled down my eyes profusely. But why was I crying? I had asked him to go. I didn’t respond to his feelings and I was the one unhappy.

Sad Bollywood songs started playing in my head. “ye ishq nahi aasan…………” seemed so much real now.

I came back to my place. Nothing seemed right. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t hungry. I kept crying. I had lost logic and reasoning. There was no inner voice to console me. I didn’t even get bored of crying this much.

This was the paciest weekend and it was Monday morning again.

Programmed to perfection, I dressed up and started for office like a robot. Unlocked my computer and sat at my desk.

The chat window was blinking. It was Vijay. I transformed from a rotten leaf to a freshly bloomed rose.

“hey”

“Hi Vijay”

“Send me the Unit test cases and tell me if interface testing is possible today”

I withered to a gloomy stance.

“k “ I replied.

Days passed and I and Vijay transformed from being formal to semi-formal and then friendlier.

We got addicted to each other on watsapp and office communicator.

We discussed books, music, food, incidents, life and friends (not Meera ofcourse).

We started out together with friends and sometimes just the two of us. We ate, we drank, we laughed and we talked and talked and talked.

It was Diwali Holidays and I went home. My parents had asked me if I had someone in my life and I had declined. There were a series of perspective matches lined up for my consideration and approval.

Vacations were over and I landed in Mumbai on Sunday evening. I called up Vijay.

“Hey I cant hear you….You landed in Mumbai?”

“Yes..what are you upto?”

“At a wedding”

“I thought of marrying when you were away. It would hurt you less I thought” He chuckled.

“ Who is getting married Vijay”

“What???? When?”

I didn’t know whether to be happy about it or be angry on Vijay for not telling me this news.

“ Ya………..”

We met the following day. I didn’t ask Vijay anything. He didn’t tell anything.

Days, months and years have passed since then.

It’s been 3 years now.

We still chat, speak for hours and share the happenings in each other’s lives.

Overthinking and assuming tarnishes the chromatic canvas of any budding relation so between us there is no obligation, no commitment and no relationship. We are two people who like each other’s company, care for each other and share a bond which doesn’t have any definition.

We might commit to each other in future or maybe marry one day but as of now ,we continue to be what we always were ………” A house on fire”

The Cocoon - Season 1 Episode 4

We didn’t speak a work and started walking back to the car. He extended his hand to grab my finger…..i slipped my hands into his.

I was friendlier than ever before with Meera.

We went to “Persian Darbar” for dinner, Meera’s favorite restaurant and I was totally fine with it :D

“Let’s order that then”

“Hello ……yaa…..hello….. I can’t hear you….you ok? Where are you?

I am having dinner.

Ya im with her

I browsed through the menu while he looked restless.

“No it’s too late. Come along with me. I need to just check on her. She’s partying with some friends at this club Bora Bora. We will quickly go there and then ill drop you”

Vijay sat beside her and held her close. She lay her head on his shoulder and kept saying

She fixed her stare at Vijay and repeated “you don’t realize whom you love and who loves you”

“Nothing”

“Tell me “

“Nothing Vijay”

There was a long pause

I continued. “Is there something I should know?”

“About you and Meera”

Vijay halted the car.

“I like you”

“ And I like spending time with you ……..And we are discovering each other”

I turned my gaze“Everything “ I wanted to say “ Nothing “ I said.

He kept his hands on mine to assure something I believe. I was cold.

Questions starting erupting like a volcano

“Does Meera love Vijay?”

“Does Vijay loves Meera ?”

“I am progressing too quickly in this relationship?”

“ Is this the time when Meera and Vijay should rekindle their feelings and discover each other? “

“Am I coming in their way?”

“Does Vijay love me or he just likes spending time with me?”

My daily alarm was ringing. I reached out to my phone in my bag.

Caller : Vijay

“ I am standing downstairs. Can you come down?”

I started walking down.

“Haha thanks……Go home and sleep Vijay. Sleep is what you need “I replied.

“ Oh…. So I wasn’t invited “ I joked.

“ Meera”

I froze.

“Ok let’s speak tomorrow then”

My happiness knew no bounds. I was bursting with joy.

While they were still speaking of their common friends and alien incidents, I was smiling for unknown reasons. Nothing had happened but I felt good about everything.

The following Monday seemed delightful. I took extra efforts to dress up. Monday seemed like Friday. There were no morning blues. Red was the color of the day.

I came to my desk and pinged Vijay .He replied and we chatted until the end of the day.

He asked me if I’d like a ride back home and I readily agreed.

This was how things went for the whole week.

It was Friday and it was time for weekend plans. Vijay took me out for dinner where we were supposed to discuss this. After much brainstorming and Zomato-ing we landed at the Persian Darbar.

“It better to be with a known enemy than an unknown friend” he said.

We sat down and began to order.

“So how hungry are you? Hungry hungry or normal hungry”

“Hungry hungry “ I chuckled

“SO let’s see………..There is this kebab platter which is good….I had tried this the last time with Meera.”

We chatted and ate. He spoke like a complete Business Analyst in real life too.

Talking to him seemed like I was reading a Business Requirement Document. At times while he narrated things or explained them, I could picturize tabular structures, flowcharts and pie charts.

We were about to order for the main course when his phone rang.

Chalo cool then take care”

“It was Meera. I think she’s not fine. Let’s order quickly “ Vijay said.

“ I am not that hungry. Let’s leave “, I said.

He didn’t say anything but he summarized his gratefulness and his appreciation of my gesture in a smile.

“You carry on Vijay I’ll take a cab”

I didn’t want to add to his worries so I agreed to it.

We drove to the club. It was dark and smoky inside. We spotted Meera. She was sitting with a girl.

By the looks of it , it was evident that they were drunk and high. Meera saw us and got up . She hugged Vijay and it continued for a while. She saw me and hugged me too.

She introduced the girl as her elder sister, Natasha. We sat down. Although fully drunk herself , Natasha kept on asking Meera not to drink anymore . Meera kept blabbering “It’s my life. Don’t teach me what to do”

“It’s my life. Ask her not to preach”

In sometime Natasha lost her cool. No sanity and a bad temper are a dreadful combination I discovered that day.

Natasha shouted “Oh yes it’s your life. You married that fancy NRI and see what happened. OH yes it’s your life and see what misery you’ve brought to mom and dad .Oh yes it’s your life and you don’t realize whom you love and who loves you”

Vijay interrupted and called for the bill. He then asked all of us to make a move.

We sat in the car and there was pin drop silence. He dropped Meera and Natasha at their home.

We continued. We didn’t speak to each other either.

“What happened?”

“About what?”

“Shes my best friend ..what else do you want to know?”

“What am I to you?”

“And…………”

“Look let’s not spoil it by giving it some tag so early. Let’s go with the flow…If something is meant to happen it will and why are you bringing it all and what has Meera got to do with it”

He dropped me at my home.

I lay down to sleep.

I kept thinking without reaching any conclusion. A new day had dawned.

105 missed calls.

It seemed like he had a sleepless night too. I called him back.

“Hey you were calling?”

What didn’t occur to me while thinking the entire night, dawned upon me in a minute.

I knew what I had to do.

I walked towards him. He looked sleep deprived with a confused composure. I was sleep deprived but clear and light in my mind.

The Cocoon - Season 1 Episode 3

Vijay introduced me to his friend, Meera . She got down from the car and hugged me like we were long lost friends. I looked at her closely ….. nah I didn’t know her ………maybe she’s too friendly.

I took the back seat of the car. The usual Mumbai rains , traffic , work , weekends conversation started.

Meera was Vijay’s college friend and they kept referring to incidents like how one day on a friend’s birthday they drove to Lonavla and how once at a club a friend was drunk and he had made a fool of himself and how they cheated during the college exams and how she likes fish and he hates it etc etc.

I was bored to death. To add to it they started conversing in Tamil. Wow …that’s what I needed.

I rolled down the window. Drops of water dashed on my face. The breeze caressed my hair… Oh I didn’t want anyone now.

We stopped at a dhaba on the roadside because Meera wanted to have tea.

“I don’t drink tea ……….or coffee”

“Whatttttttt ………bournvita then? “ Meera asked with a smirk.

I sat in the car while they enjoyed the tea outside.

I wanted to get down take a taxi and go back home. But that would’ve been rude I thought and stopped.

The rains had subsided .We halted at a beach.

Meera was too tired and wanted to speak on phone so she stayed back in the car.

Vijay asked me to get down .I wanted to get down and run away. He wouldn’t have noticed anyways. Meera was with him. Why would he care about my presence?

We walked towards the sea…. The crimson sky, the grey scattered clouds and the sun peeping from them made me forget my boredom. If I were a painter I would’ve loved to splash these colors on my canvas but since I wasn’t I thought of taking out my phone and capturing the moment. Vijay walked behind me with hands in his pockets.

“Hey wait let me click from my phone”

I looked at his iphone and my Moto G. “Show off” I wanted to say.

“Go Ahead” I said.

He started clicking and showed me the pictures…. Oh I looked good………maybe it was the phone.

I offered to click his too.

“Wait let’s take a selfie “

He put his arms around me and we looked into the phone screen.

Oh boy ….he has his girlfriend in the car and he’s posing with me…..why did I even agree to come along.

“Let’s call Meera too “

“No she doesn’t like being clicked”

“Which girl doesn’t like being clicked?” I said in a condescending tone.

“The girl who tore photographs of her wedding ceremony last night”

“Oh……” I wanted to take my words back. For all this while I was being hostile towards her. I looked at her with sympathy now.

He went on to narrate how she was married to a guy in US , they had differences and what followed was a bitter divorce , a month of depression in the US and her arrival in India last week which has been full of ugly stares and dejection by her relatives and society.

I wanted to go to her and hug her tight.

I kept looking at Vijay with sad eyes. He was gazing into the sea, sky and beyond.

“She is my very close friend….One of the bests I have…..She was with me when you messaged. When she saw your message she wanted me to go with you. I insisted her to come along. She was reluctant because she knew my feelings for you and wanted us to spend some time together. Maybe that’s why she didn’t come down here”

He didn’t realize what he had uttered in a whiff of emotion.

I was still at Meera’s story.

A few seconds later it dawned upon both of us. We looked into each other’s eyes and smiled.

The Cocoon - Season 1 Episode 2

The days which followed were usual with my unusual behavior of deliberately keeping away from him.

Not because he was repulsive or seemed uninteresting now but I was unsure of my feelings for him.

Days passed and the feelings too.

It was June end..........the time of the year when Mumbai is relieved of the heat waves. It was raining. I grabbed my book and coffee and sat on the window pane. I don't like rains much but the freshness which it brings to the trees and flowers was what caught my attention. I kept staring in the oblivion and at my phone occasionally. I started browsing through my watsapp contact list. I stopped scrolling at Vijay's number. I clicked on the chat .

Our last chat was two months back when he had sent me a message at 1 in the night .” Code deployed. We tested in production...no issues as of NOW :D :D”

I had replied with a simple “k” not “OK “ neither a “Okay” just a “k”.

He would be thinking of me as a snob.

But I wasn't one.

I thought of initiating a conversation............

“hey wassup”

nah...........that would seem too intentional.

I looked for some jokes to start off as a ice breaker but none seemed to suit the first time conversation.

I then started looking for links to read in other watsapp groups.

“10 reasons why SRK is the king of bollywood”

“20 reasons why you should marry a Punjabi”

“10 places to visit before you die”

“10 reasons why Manchester United is the best Club ever”

Oh yes...he would like this.

I pinged him the link.

He was online.

Within seconds he replied , “Hey that's something.....Its mah fav club...Which club do you follow?”

Toastmasters Club I wanted to say but he was certainty looking for a soccer club.

I googled and said “ Barcelona “

Before he could start a discussion , I pinged “ The weather is so good....Feel like going for a drive”

“Yes indeed …. You want some company?” he rpelied

oopsss I had said that to divert his attention from the usual Man U v/s Barcelona debate that would've followed but I ended up sending him signals that I was interested in him.,.....Yet again.........

After much thought I replied with a yes.

He offered to pick me up at 1. I dressed to perfection and waited for him.

His car stopped in front of my building. He rolled down his window. Sitting beside him was a pretty girl.

Had I too eagerly agreed?

Was he trying to show off in front of the girl probably his girl friend?

Was I the side kick then?

The Cocoon - Season 1 Episode 1

10 in the morning , the time of the week when you start questioning the whole 7 days cycle of 5 working days and just two resting days. When the very obvious question of “How was the weekend” is followed by more obvious answer ' Usual...Just relaxed at home” and when the the 1st and 5th day of the week seems light years away.....Yes it was the dreaded Monday morning at work.

I was browsing through my email..........”Job Notification : Success” , “Timesheet Compliance ”,”Internal IT Survey “......all of these should directly appear in the trash folder. They seem too unimportant for the inbox. I was looking for the “Monday Motivator “ mails , a practice our organization started to pep up employees like me who strongly believe that Monday 1st half and Friday 2nd half should be declared as holidays officially. Its better to utilize one's time in other endeavors than pretending to work for sure. Well no one appreciated the idea , so yes Monday Motivator it was with short stories and quotes citing the importance of hard work , success bla bla bla.I couldn't find it in my inbox this time. They should have adopted my idea. The least it could ensure was sustainability.

I filled my bottle , said good morning to a dozen people and sat on my desk sipping tea and carrying a sincere look on my face. All I was trying to do is camouflage my bored and sleepy expression.

Update Folder : Send/ Receive ….......I did it multiple times.........

“ Sweets at Vijay's desk 6th floor Cubicle#56 <NNTO>”

Yet another marriage over the weekend .

“Esha lets us to Vijay's desk”

“ Why???? Is there a new requirement discussion?”

“No , there is a mail........”

Before I could finish , she interrupted ,” Has he attached the functional specification document? These BA s get most of the work done verbally........We need to do away with the trend “ She kept speaking.

“There are some sweets at his desk....I guess he got engaged or something”

Esha looked at the mail in my inbox .” No I don't think its for his marriage...He is too …..........”

“Un-Marriageable ?” , I chuckled at my own joke.

“No …....he isn't the early marriage types....He would be hardly 24”

Well I was 23. I have plans of getting at 24 and kids at 27...........Ah but that's my story.

We went to Vijay's desk. It was probably my first informal interaction with him. If not first it was the only one I remembered. I took a dairy milk and congratulated him only to discover that he was not engaged but had bought a brand new Honda City. A car at 23........I looked at him again. His desk was neatly arranged with a Manchester United desk calendar, a photo frame with a group photo with his friends , a Puma bag and oh yes....an iphone.....I looked at his name card on his desk “VIJAY SWAMINATHAN”.

Wasn't he supposed to be the brand ambassador of geekiness and follower of ' Simple living high standards of coding” concept. I looked at him closely …....He was fairer than me. He had no oil in his head.........Oh I was being racist.....

I returned to my desk. I was still thinking about him and how he was different from the stereotyped opinions I had and why had I never noticed him.

The task bar flashed....It was Vijay....

“Hey...wassup”

<Yes tell me.....<backspaces> > I was being too professional I thought.

<Nothing....just bored> But what if he was pinging me for some requirement discussion. I was in no mood to work.<backspaces>

“Hey” I replied.

“ Thanks for coming over.....I never thought someone from the development team likes to enter the BA ODC on a Monday morning “

“Oh I am daring enough :D”

“Brave Girl I must say”

This was the longest conversation we had in one year of working together.

The other conversations mostly ended with “ I will check with the team and get back to you “ or “ Let me explain you the BRD once you are free”

Was he equally bored of the Monday morning as I was or was going to him to congratulate him a gesture of doing the unobvious or even worse..........did he notice me noticing him................